Storm in human form

So I’m here, left in the middle of the street, shivering from the cold. But I don’t mind at all; the cold made my body numb. I was thinking that maybe, if I stay a little longer, the numbness will reach my heart. Then . . . then the pain – that piercing throb that urges me to clench my fists, hoping the act will lessen the agony – will stop. Just please stop.

I summon the courage to open my eyes and to look at the sky. I’m suddenly feeling like a lunatic for laughing while tears are streaming down my face. It’s just funny how those fine drizzles earlier turned into this raging storm. Just like how fine I was earlier and now I am falling apart. I don’t know if the universe is empathizing with me or mocking me, probably the latter. People are already giving me the looks. I can’t blame them, I, myself, feel like I’m already losing my sanity.

How can I not see this coming? How can I ignore the signs? But the thing is, I knew. I saw this coming, I knew we ended long before today, but that doesn’t make the pain bearable. It actually hurt more because I hung onto you. Because even though I felt like losing you day by day, I still clung to that hope that we can still fix this. Because I love you and I couldn’t stand losing you.

But seeing you today, seeing you with her. Having the vision of how happy you are. It…fucking hurts. How can your happiness brought a thousand shards perforating my being?

I can still see the way your smile faltered the moment you saw me.

I was across the street, exiting my favorite bookstore when I saw you. Your hands are intertwined with her. Remember the other day when I asked you to hold my hand? You just looked at me like I was asking you the freakin’ universe. But still, you took it. I was happy because I thought that maybe you’ll feel the connection that you felt the first time we held hands. Back then, you even felt the electricity they used to say. I laughed at you and at your cliché antics. Now, I was wondering if you also felt that connection with her. I was about to change direction when you saw me, with your smile fading into indifference. We held each other’s stares while I was looking for something that I knew no longer exist. I crossed the street and stopped you, my eyes was begging for an explanation. I was willing to accept any excuses. Lies or not, I decided that I will accept you no matter what. But when you introduced her as your girlfriend and me as your schoolmate, I lost my strength and my hand that stopping you slipped from your arm. You just excused yourself and resumed walking with her; I was probably interrupting your schedule that day so I let you go. And the thing is that my heart wasn’t able to catch up that fast with what was happening.  It was laughing because it thought everything was a joke. A huge joke. But when the drips dropped, and I was still there where you left me, it dawned to me that we’re done. We are really done. Just like that. You threw me just like that.

And now, I am still here, not feeling anything at all outside but shattering inside. The downpour’s slowly turning into a shower. The sky’s almost done with grieving but I’m not even close with mine. I am unmoving as I know I will be for probably a long time. You’re my lifeline. You’ve always been my lifeline…and now you’re gone.

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