“I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone.” I just read this line and it hits home.
Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me because the only person I am truly comfortable with is myself. I found solace when noone’s around. Don’t get me wrong, I like my family and friend’s company but sometimes, I feel like I am not me when I’m with them. I am putting emphasis on sometimes. And no, it’s not their fault and I am not blaming myself too. We’re all built different and we have to live with it.
I have two bestfriends who can totally get me but distance creates boundary too. Calling and sending message is not the same as talking in person. I actually developed a weird thing about eye contact. Eye contact is intimate for me, even before it became a problem. It was intimate before in a way that I avoided looking at people’s eyes unless they were trying to talk to me. Now, looking at people’s eyes takes a lot of work especially when I’m part of the conversation. And it’s either I show too much emotion or nothing at all. I usually let it but I am still trying, atleast for my friends. But trying is hard when people don’t see it. When you slip and let it consume you once in a while, and the people you’re trying so hard to connect take it in a different way. Not being seen – the real you – makes you numb.
I guess that’s why I like being with myself. Because sometimes it’s people who makes me feel lonely.
Anyways, I am not trying to be so melancholic because I am totally happy with myself, we’re best of friends! Haha. And I get to do all those silly things without being judged nor questioned, just getting face palms here and there (from me, smh). And I have books! Ahh books. They raised me, I mean seriously, they still are raising me. I am who I am because of books. Reading saved me as much as writing did.
Updates!: I improved. Haha like a lot (in eye contact department and solo echos) idk maybe because I started reading books again – the tangible ones or maybe because it’s Paulo Coelho’s novel. Or maybe things do really fall into their proper places when you least expect them to. Or maybe it’s just a week thing and it’ll return again. Either ways, I’m good. Good. Good. Good.
P.s. updates: Shout out friends! Thank you and love you :)))) thank you for staying and showing me that I need people in order to grow. And that I shouldn’t be afraid to depend on people I trust once in a while. I love you guys. I really do.
Pps. I just discovered why am I like this, lol. Anyways, I found out that I have a social anxiety. That’s why I always need to get somewhere alone when people are starting to overwhelm me. That’s why I feel like I’m going to die when someone whose not on my comfort zone friends start talking to me, even if he/she is just asking me a simple question. Dang! I thought I was weird and weird and just plain awkward. I still can’t look people in the eye, yeah, the improvement lasted for like a week because I keep telling myself that I can do it. Eventually, I feel like I’m hostaging myself so I let it. And well, I just can’t force it to myself, can I? But I accept me for who I am. And maybe I’ll overcome this or maybe not but I got myself.