It hurts, but I am healing

So there, I had a major breakdown last night. I can’t believe that it still hurts or that I am still affected. Being part of a broken family really sucks especially if both of your parents abandoned you. I’m done being a victim of my circumstances tho, hence I accepted it and refused to be defined by it. No, I’m not gonna use that as an excuse to have a little miserable life.

But last night, I don’t know what triggered it. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen my father and feel absolutely nothing, or maybe because my mom just passed me by while I was walking my way to school and didn’t even bother to stop. I forgave them as I forgave myself, for all the mistakes we did that led us here. I know I was too young to actually blame myself for what happened but still, I played my part. And I forgave them because I deserve to be happy. I forgave them because I know God wanted me to. Because forgiving them means freeing myself from all the pain. . . or so I thought.

What happened last night left a hole in my chest. Sobbing myself to sleep and feeling those emptiness, that void… it hurts to the point that it made me numb and hollow.

I asked myself: Why? I thought you’ve accepted it?
I thought you’ve been through this? Just why?

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And then I realized that no, a part of me will never recover from this, that a part of me will still hurt because of this. That once in a while, I will still long for warm hugs, sweet kisses, loving mother, protective father, and that music of combined laughter from people that are still bleeding from this situation. And it’s okay, I am not meant to live a pretentious life. I am not meant to pretend that it doesn’t hurt anymore.

It’s okay to be in pain because pain allows us to dig deeper within ourselves. To see those broken pieces that we’ve hidden believing that they’re mended. Because pain is a way of healing. It is when we are in those hurtful moments that we’re closest to Him.

So whenever those tears fight their way out, remember His loving promise as I’ve tucked it in my heart: “One day I will wipe every tear from your eyes.” – Revelation 21:3-4

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