I know now that the darkest part of me is my desertedness.
I travel light. I have a talent of detaching myself from people.
Maybe this is the reason why I am so good with short conversations and short term relationships..
..cause in reality, I can’t stand being involved.
You see I built these walls to protect me. No, not from you. I built these walls long before you came. I treasured building it pieces by pieces. Every year, every season, I know I raised it higher. I laid each brick down, knowing exactly its design.
The world forced me to. Picture a little girl who needs to lie for her mother, believing that she was doing the right thing. A high school teenager who was left by her bestfriend -her mom- to some people. Life surely know its way.
And then, finally, I understand that happiness is only meant for a few people.
That it is rare.
Few… Rare… And far…
Yet somehow, the world shifted upside down. You came and you saw through these walls.
First day, you looked deeply into my sad eyes and you saw me, behind those angry words from my mouth and hardened heart, for who I didn’t think I was even allowed to be – frightened and fragile. But you didn’t want to rescue me, you knew that wasn’t your place and it would never be a path you could take. You knew that these walls could never really be taken down by anyone other than the person who put them there; the person that you are in love with – me.
The next day, you asked if you could stay. I told you, “Go home.”
Remarkably, you stood by me and loved me until all these walls became too much to bear. I keep on reminding you that it is never going to happen. Yet, you have so much hope in me. Remember when you told me to meet you in the library? I am sorry I made you wait. I told you not to. The librarian told me you never left until you heard the school bell waving out all the students to be out of the campus.
I saw you in Economics class. You were not in your usual place. Staring outside the window. Being your usual beautiful you. In fact, you looked so much more. I went straight to my chair and found a note, “You can’t hide forever. I found you now.”
And there goes my walls. They were no longer protective, perhaps they never were.
Not too long, it began to hurt again.
I hate it.
I am starting to feel everything again.
You are making me feel everything again.
And you loved me when I was angry that I let you see me so raw. And you loved me when I was lost, and in grief, and unsure of all the things I had always held onto.
I built up walls, you loved me anyway.
I spent all these days and nights alone, you loved me anyway.
I went from solid steel to broken glass, you loved me anyway.
You helped me confront and make peace with that little girl and teach her that beauty do exist. You helped that teenager know that the forgiveness given to others is something she can give herself too, and that it is something she must choose everyday. You have taught me that it is okay to be in pain because when you truly love, you must be willing to be hurt.
That sometimes, the healing is in the aching.
Thank you for loving me with my walls and for loving me even without them.
P.S. Thank you, Jesus.
P.P.S. Thank YOU, Jesus.